Judge Izumi
by LittleCoconutHead
Summary: An FMA Spinoff of Judge Judy
1. Al VS Ed

A voice came over the loud speaker. "The People are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is the courtroom of Judge Izumi Curtis…" it boomed and ttrailed off.

A strong, muscular man was wearing a khaki uniform standing beside an oak podium. "All rise for the honorable judge!" His voice rang out. His gruff exterior made him excellent for the job of Bailiff. His short beard lined his face and he looked as if he would be ready to kill anyone at any moment. His name was Siguar Curtis and he stood completely still as a woman walked across the room to the podium.

The woman was wearing one of those funny judge dress things, complete with a lacey collar. She had brown dreadlocks died back in a ponytail with just a few stragglers hanging in her face. Her skin was extremely pale, and her face stern. Her cold, black eyes pierced through the silence as she took a seat. "EVERYBODY SIT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

A boy about 4'11" was at a stand labeled "defendant" in front of Izumi. His long blonde hair was in a braid but his bangs still framed his face. He wore a red coat that extended to his kneed and a black leather outfit underneath. A silver chain connected from his pocket to his belt loop. His hands were covered with white gloves and his Amber eyes widened dramatically as he stared at the judge. He went by the name of Edward Elric, but was also commonly referred to as the Fullmetal Alchemist.

In a stand to the right of him, labeled plaintiff stood another boy. He was about 7 feet tall and was dressed completely in a suit of armor, or rather, he WAS a suit of armor. He had a tawny colored loin cloth tied around his waist and a strange looking feather thing on his helmet. His name was Alphonse Elric.

"Plaintiff, state your case." Judge Izumi's voice rang out boeredly overt the courtroom.

"My brother won't let me have a kitten! And I'm suing him for putting me in this armor!" Al exclaimed angrily.

"Al! We don't have the ab-" "SILENCE!" Izumi yelled, cutting Ed off. "I didn't give you permission to speak, Alphonse, please continue." She said, already becoming annoyed.

Al nodded. "Y-Yes ma'am." He stuttered and continued. "You see, it all happened 5 years ago…" he began. "Mom had just died and we were going to bring him back. However, something went wrong with the transmutation, and so he put me in this body. Then, just earlier this year, it was raining, and there was this cute little kitten, and he was all alone! Ed wouldn't let me keep him! He never let's me do anything!" He sounded almost in tears.

"I object!" Ed yelled. "Shut up!" replied Izumi. "And stop blubbering!" Al lookd up surprised. "Now, for our defendant." She said ever so flatly.

"Well….." Ed began. "When the experiment went wrong so many years ago, I panicked and I was trying to save him. I looked around for anything human shaped and all I could find was a dancing hula girl that you put on your dash board and a suit of armor. I got the feeling that Al wouldn't be too happy wearing a coconut bra for the rest of his life so I attached his soul to the suit of armor. And as far as the kitten goes, we have no means to take care of it!" he said defensively and put his hands on his hips.

Izumi rolled her eyes and range the mallet. "You're BOTH morons!" she growled. "Ed, let Al have the cat, Al, deal with the body! Case dismissed!" Izumi yelled. "Now get out of my sight!" She picked up some files and strolled out of the room and Ed and Al walked out as well.

Ed stood outside the door talking to the camera man. "Well, I still don't think we can take care of a kitten, but I guess the rulings are final and we'll just have to deal with it…" he said and shrugged as the camera moved over to Al. "I get a kitten, I get a kitten!" he gloated doing a happy dance.

The announcer came over the speaker once more. "This have been Judge Izumi." It boomed and went off.


	2. Roy VS Armstrong

A voice came over the loud speaker. "The People are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is the courtroom of Judge Izumi Curtis…" it boomed and trailed off.

A strong, muscular man was wearing a khaki uniform standing beside an oak podium. "All rise for the honorable judge!" His voice rang out. His gruff exterior made him excellent for the job of Bailiff. His short beard lined his face and he looked as if he would be ready to kill anyone at any moment. His name was Siguar Curtis and he stood completely still as a woman walked across the room to the podium.

The woman was wearing one of those funny judge dress things, complete with a lacey collar. She had brown dreadlocks died back in a ponytail with just a few stragglers hanging in her face. Her skin was extremely pale, and her face stern. Her cold, black eyes pierced through the silence as she took a seat. "EVERYBODY SIT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

At a booth in front of the podium, labeled "defendant" was an extremely muscular man. He had icy blue eyes and a blonde curl on top of his otherwise bald head. Like a majority of the FMA cast, had a funny mustache. It was blonde and thick at the top and curled into handle bars near the corner of his mouth. He had pale skin, but not nearly as pale as Izumi's. He was standing with his feet apart and his hands on his hips as he stared across the room at Izumi. He was known as Alex Luis Armstrong, the strong-arm alchemist.

Standing to his right, a pale man with short, black hair that somewhat fell in his face stood at a podium labeled "plaintiff." He was tall and wearing a military uniform. He had blue eyes and a smug expression on his face. He wore white gloves, on one was a red transmutation circle. He also stood with his hands on his hips. He was Roy Mustang, also known as the Flame Alchemist and, by no one other then the producer of this cruddy show, Colonel Pretty Boy.

"Plaintiff Colonel Roy Mustang, state your case!" Izumi said sounding board. Her voice rang across the courtroom.

"Well," he began. "I was just sitting in my office, minding my own business and burning paperwork, not to mention having a romantic moment with the lovely 1st Lieutenant, Riza Hawkeye, when HE came in. He ripped off his shirt and he started glistening all over!" Roy sounded almost in tears as he recalled the event. "And Riza couldn't take his eyes off of him! It was sexual harassment, and he stole my girl!" Roy looked extremely sad as he said it.

"Oh, suck it up!" Izumi said annoyed. "Defendant Alex Luis Armstrong, state your case."

He nodded and began speaking in a deep, boisterous voice. "I just came in, you can't me because I'm beautiful!"

Izumi glared daggers at him. "There is no way in HELL you'll EVER be beautiful! Judgment for the plaintiff for the amount of 28 cents. "CASE DISMISMISSED!" She yelled at the top of her lungs and rung the mallet before packing up and leaving.

Both parties exited the courtroom and talked to the camera man, starting with Colonel Pretty Boy. "OH YEAH BABY!" he screamed with joy. "I'm 28 cents richer!"

The camera man then turned to Armstrong who was crying his eyes out. "I can't believe she doesn't think I'm beautiful!" he muffled out.

The announcer came over the speaker once more. "This has been Judge Izumi." It boomed and went off.


	3. Hughes VS Roy

A voice came over the loud speaker. "The People are fake, the cases are frivolous, the rulings are predictable. This is the courtroom of Judge Izumi Curtis…" it boomed and trailed off.

A strong, muscular man was wearing a khaki uniform standing beside an oak podium. "All rise for the honorable judge!" His voice rang out. His gruff exterior made him excellent for the job of Bailiff. His short beard lined his face and he looked as if he would be ready to kill anyone at any moment. His name was Siguar Curtis and he stood completely still as a woman walked across the room to the podium.

The woman was wearing one of those funny judge dress things, complete with a lacey collar. She had brown dreadlocks died back in a ponytail with just a few stragglers hanging in her face. Her skin was extremely pale, and her face stern. Her cold, black eyes pierced through the silence as she took a seat. "EVERYBODY SIT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

A fairly tall man in a formal blue military uniform stood at attention with a scowl on his face behind the podium clearly labeled "defendant." Outlying hairs stuck out in front of his face from the mess of spikes atop his head which made his almost perfectly square face look even rougher. To compliment his more rectangular features, a pair of square-ish glasses rested on his point nose. There wasn't a soul in Central Headquarters that didn't know this man, for wherever you went, he'd be waiting for a picture of his daughter. This was Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes.

To his right was another oak podium labeled "plaintiff" where another man stood. He was slightly shorted then Maes, but was a matching uniform (with the exception of a few extra medals of course!) He too had black hair, but his was smooth and silky, much like what his incredible ego led him to believe himself to be. (confusing!) This man was the Flame Alchemist, or more commonly referred to as Colonel Roy Mustang.

"Plaintiff, state your case." Judge Izumi's voice rang out boeredly overt the courtroom.

Roy's hand drifted casually in a Vannah White position towards the Lieutenant Colonel. "Well," he began stiffly. "MAES here won't stop harassing me!"

Izumi's eyes nearly rolled out of her head as her chin rested on a hand. Her elbow was perched neatly on the podium and her chair turned ever so slightly to the side. "Right, and how is he…er….HARASSING you?"

Roy's voice was loud and clean cut as he spoke the next answer as if an order to his inferiors. "He won't stop shoving pictures of his daughter in my face!"

Just as the Honorable Judge was about to ask another question Maes interrupted. "That's because she's so damn adorable!" He got what can only be described as "the look" on his face and flipped out a picture of his DARLING daughter Elysia wearing a little tutu while smiling ever so sweetly over her shoulder. He bounded up to Judge Izumi and jumped onto the podium, shoving the picture in her face. "Isn't she adorable?" he cooed and scooted his face in too close for Izumi's comfort. "hm? Hm? HM?!" he nudged ntil he felt a sharp jab of a punch in the stomach that knocked him off the podium.

"That's quite enough! This is ridiculous!" Izumi's voice boomed. "No one wants to stare at a picture of a little girl and getting that close to anyone who's not your family SHOULD be illegal!" she grimaced. "Judgment for the Plaintiff, case dimissed."

Izumi yelled. "Now get out of my sight!" She picked up some files and strolled out of the room and Maes and Roy walked out as well.

Hughes stood outside the door talking to the camera man. Well, I just don't see what she means!" he bellowed and held the picture in front of the lense8 See? She's adorable! And she's gonna be a star one day and-!" Maes was cut off by a rough shout from Mustang. "SHUT UP!"

The announcer came over the speaker once more. "This have been Judge Izumi." It boomed and went off.


	4. Envy vs Ed

A voice came over the loud speaker. "The People are fake, the cases are frivolous, the rulings are predictable. This is the courtroom of Judge Izumi Curtis…" it boomed and trailed off.

A strong, muscular man was wearing a khaki uniform standing beside an oak podium. "All rise for the honorable judge!" His voice rang out. His gruff exterior made him excellent for the job of Bailiff. His short beard lined his face and he looked as if he would be ready to kill anyone at any moment. His name was Siguar Curtis and he stood completely still as a woman walked across the room to the podium.

The woman was wearing one of those funny judge dress things, complete with a lacey collar. She had brown dreadlocks died back in a ponytail with just a few stragglers hanging in her face. Her skin was extremely pale, and her face stern. Her cold, black eyes pierced through the silence as she took a seat. "EVERYBODY SIT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

A boy about 4'11" was at a stand labeled "defendant" in front of Izumi. His long blonde hair was in a braid but his bangs still framed his face. He wore a red coat that extended to his kneed and a black leather outfit underneath. A silver chain connected from his pocket to his belt loop. His hands were covered with white gloves and his Amber eyes widened dramatically as he stared at the judge. He went by the name of Edward Elric, but was also commonly referred to as the Fullmetal Alchemist.

A fairly short, um…person was standing behind a wooden podium clearly marked with golden letters that said "Plaintiff." He had skin as pale as Izumi's around his eves in the distinct shape of a pair of rap-around sunglasses. Everywhere else was tanned to a nice golden tone, and he wore a black midriff hater top and a short black skort. A pair of fingerless black gloves adorned his hands, and his feet, likewise, were covered in sandals that looked like something only a homeless man would wear. He had striking violet eyes that glared at no one in particular whilst crossing his arms over his chest. Yet, his most striking feature was not his beady purple eyes, or incredibly poor fashion sense, or even the fact that I had to ask the executive producer of this show what his gender was, it was his hair. Yes, his hair. To begin with, it was green. His hair spiked out in random directions and was nearly 3 feet long. Anyways, enough with the descriptions. His name was Envy, not on with the show.

Izumi sighed and rolled her eyes while resting her chin on one hand, and carelessly waving the other. "Plaintiff, state your case." Izumi's apathetic voice rang throughout the courtroom.

"Well," began Envy, "I was just laying there, getting a tan, and minding my own business, when this punk comes out of nowhere and abducts me! Then, he puts my feet in a restricting terra cotta pot and proceeds to place soil over my feet! And that isn't even the worst of it!" Envy screamed "When I didn't produce coconuts, he threatened to cut me down!"

"Uh huh…" Izumi replied. "Defendant, what's your defense?"

"Well, you see your honor," replied Ed while shrugging, "I thought he was a palm tree."

"I object!" Envy screamed.

Izumi rolled her eyes. "To what?"

Envy had a mixture of shock and hurt on his face that she would even have to ask such a question. "I do not look like a palm tree!"

Izumi let out one of her very rare chuckles. "Overruled. You definitely look like a palm tree."

"Your Honor!" gasped Envy.

Izumi sighed. "Will you please SHUT UP?!"

At this Envy began to sulk quietly, and nearly seemed to deflate.

"Now, why did you think he was in fact a real, coconut-bearing palm tree?" Izumi asked while staring at her watch.

Ed blushed a little as he recalled the scene. "Well, I was walking along, and there was this long brown thing with green leaves just lying there in the middle of the park. I'd been wanting a new houseplant, and I could imagine that it was anything except for a palm tree, so I planted it and took it home!"

"So he was naked?" Izumi questioned.

"Yes!" replied Ed.

Izumi snarled her nose. "Then, shouldn't you have noticed something distinctly…human about him, like genitalia?" Ed burst out laughing, and Izumi glared at him. "This is a court of law!" she screamed. "Show some maturity!"

Ed stifled his laughter. "Well…" he said, "No, if he did, I certainly couldn't see it!"

"I OBJECT!" Envy screamed through his sobs.

Izumi's eye twitched with irritation. "I don't really give a shit if you don't produce coconuts. If you two have a problem, I suggest you stick them on a table and measure. Judgment for the defendant. Anyone could have made that mistake, in fact, I thought you were a tree too and was planning to plant you outside my office. Case dismissed." Izumi rang the mallet and vacated the courtroom.

Both Ed and Al gathered up their belongings and began to walk out the door, although Envy was still sobbing. Ed began talking to the camera man. "Well, he does look like a palm tree." Ed pointed to him and shrugged.

Envy, through his tears hit Ed with his purse. "I do NOT look like a palm tree, and I do so have coconuts! I'm going to take you on Jerry Springer!"

The announcer came over the speaker once more. "This have been Judge Izumi." It boomed and went off.


	5. Ed vs Winry

_By popular demand…_

A voice came over the loud speaker. "The People are fake, the cases are frivolous, the rulings are characterized by bitter sarcasm and irony. This is the courtroom of Judge Izumi Curtis…" it boomed and trailed off.

A strong, muscular man was wearing a khaki uniform standing beside an oak podium. "All rise for the honorable judge!" His voice rang out. His gruff exterior made him excellent for the job of Bailiff. His short beard lined his face and he looked as if he would be ready to kill anyone at any moment. His name was Siguar Curtis and he stood completely still as a woman walked across the room to the podium.

The woman was wearing one of those funny judge dress things, complete with a lacey collar. She had brown dreadlocks died back in a ponytail with just a few stragglers hanging in her face. Her skin was extremely pale, and her face stern. Her cold, black eyes pierced through the silence as she took a seat. "EVERYBODY SIT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

A young girl with gentle rounded features stood behind a podium labeled with the word "defendant" in golden letters. She had long, straight blonde hair and blue eyes that slightly resembled those of a young doe. She wore a soft yellow tank top and a small black skirt. The girl was playing with a wrench, for some reason unknown to me or anyone else. Her name was Winry Rockbell.

A boy about 4'11" was at a stand labeled "plaintiff" in front of Izumi. His long blonde hair was in a braid but his bangs still framed his face. He wore a red coat that extended to his kneed and a black leather outfit underneath. A silver chain connected from his pocket to his belt loop. His hands were covered with white gloves and his Amber eyes widened dramatically as he stared at the judge. He went by the name of Edward Elric, but was also commonly referred to as the Fullmetal Alchemist.

Izumi looked at her watch. "Plaintiff, state your case, and make it quick, I have to pee."

"Well," Ed began, "She won't stop hitting me with that damn wrench she's playing with!" He clenched his hands into fists and began to scream at the top of his lungs. "It's abuse, God damn it!"

"That's great…" Izumi replied irritably. "Defendant, state your case."

Winry grinned. "Well, he's always making me worry, and then he does stupid things and then, he's mean to me!" She then pouted and looked to Ed, her eyes wide and pleading.

"I am not mean to her!" screamed Ed, "I just don't have enough money to…"

"ORDER!!!" Izumi screamed and beat her mallet on the podium as if she was trying to kill it. "Siguar, bring me that wrench."

Siguar walked over to Winry, who shrugged and gave him the wrench. He then handed it to Izumi. "Is this what he uses to hit you over the head with?"

"Yes!" Ed proclaimed. "That's the one!"

"Good." Izumi then chucked the wrench at Ed hitting him squarely on the head and hit her mallet against the podium. "Judgment for the defendant on account that I am sick and tired of seeing Edward Elric's face in my court room. Case dismissed."

"Ow…" Ed muttered and began to exit the premises while Winry picked up her wrench and ran out to go talk to the camera man. "He really does deserve it you know…" whe grinned and skipped out of the courthouse.

Ed grimaced. "I think Judge Izumi is on crack…" Ed grumbled and skulked off.

The announcer came over the speaker once more. "This has been Judge Izumi." It boomed and went off.


End file.
